


15 Reasons that Dan loves Phil

by flamesmcphan



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Domestic, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Smut, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-07-15 12:11:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7221841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flamesmcphan/pseuds/flamesmcphan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Its Phil's 30th birthday, and Dan wants to get him something special, something a little more...personal, sentimental. And so Dan decides that even though theres about a million more, he will write 15 little and big things (in no chronological order) that make him love Phil.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Well its your birthday Phil. 30th, thats a big one. In the eyes of most, 30 is getting old. I know you were telling me about how it’s funny how it works, about how all it takes is one year for you to get to the point where its seems like your mandatory to stop traveling and have a steady job and get married and have your life sorted. One second your in your 20s and life’s all youth and getting drunk and exploring who you are and the next you have to have it sorted. But I say fuck it all and fuck societies ideas of how you have to live because even if they don't love you, I will, I always will.…But anyway, I digress.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that your 30, and I feel like that requires a more sufficient gift than something you buy at the store. Not that thats going to stop me giving you that Pokemon snow globe that we saw in that weird little Japanese store we went to a couple months ago and you said was endearingly pointless but you secretly loved anyway and I bought it when you weren't looking. But still, I feel like you need something a little more…personal, sentimental, I guess. And I really couldn't think of anything until about 5 minutes ago. 

I was lying here, awake at 3 in the morning, listening to you snore next to me (creepy, I know) and thinking about why I love you. But I really can’t put it into words. Its like trying to describe that special scent that’s different to every house or a colour or the taste of water. You just can’t. How much and why I love you isn't something I can just put into a few sentences, or even a few novels, or even a whole library. I was lying there, enveloped in the waves of emotions I feel for you, not drowning in them like I do whenever I have one of my existential crisis, just kind of floating in all of them, gently riding the waves of infatuation and passion and acceptance and…love, I guess. I cant describe it, I honestly can’t.

I know this is extremely cheesy and heartfelt and sappy and all things I pretend to hate, but if I’m I'm being honest, I love the sappy, cheesy, heartfelt shit as much as the next person. I love those moments that feel so perfect that they could have been scripted, in a poem, in one of those unrealistic romantic movies. I love feeling everything just click into place, like what I say fits perfectly together with what you say like puzzle pieces. I love getting that warm, fuzzy, fluffy feeling I get inside that makes me want to smile until my cheeks ache and do that thing where you scream without opening your mouth or just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and wallow in contentness (if thats a word). OK DAN DIGRESSING GET BACK ON TOPIC LOLZOR (pretend I didn't just write that, maybe doing this in pen was a bad idea).

But anyway, I was thinking about how I could at least attempt to express to you how I feel, no matter how pathetically. And then I thought of this. And I can’t believe I’m writing this with actual pen and paper (how medieval), and I know theres about a million more, but here is 15 little and big things (in no chronological order) that make me love you.


	2. Reason 1

1.

We were both sitting on the couch on our laptops, in our own little worlds but also in each others worlds, feeling each others company but not feeling a need to talk, just existing with each other, the only sound the drumming of our keyboards and the click of our keypads and the warm, cozy white noise of comfortable silence. And that was enough. 

I’m pretty sure this is around 2013, after the whole meltdown I had back in 2012 (we shall not speak of it, at least not for now) and before our first kiss.

I guess I’d known I’d loved you for a while then. Well, I’d always really known it, but this was a little while after I’d really come to terms with it and stopped trying to hide it away (another story). And we were just sitting there on the couch, our legs brushing each other, our arms so close I could feel the heat radiating of your bare skin, and I could hear the constant beating of your heart and the soft steady in-and-out puffs of your breath. And in that moment, I just felt complete, whole I guess. I was editing a video that I was happy with for my successful channel next to my best friend/crush in our shared apartment in London, I mean, who wouldn’t feel content. I just remember smiling to myself knowing that all my dreams, all I’d ever wanted, had come true. I mean, I was sitting next to amazingphil, practically my youtube idol ever since 2006 (Phil trash #1), I had my dream job, I was happy.

I remember glancing over at you and you were watching some stupid cat gif on tumblr, and I remember seeing the barely contained laughter dance across your features. I knew that if I hadn't already politely told you to be a little quieter (Phil can you shut your fucking face you egg roll I'm trying to edit) several times you would be in peals of laughter. And that made me smile even wider because I knew you were holding it in for me.

I think you must have seen me smiling at you in the reflection of your computer or something and you looked back up at me and our eyes locked and I just kind of forgot everything around us until it was just me and you and a big black space around us that I didn't care about because we were in our own little universe and we didn't need earth’s gravity or the sun or anything else because we both had stars in our eyes and each other to ground us and that was all we needed.

We held it for a few moments that felt like millennia and then we smiled and went back to our computers. And it wasn’t awkward like people would think it would be, by that point we were just so comfortable in each other that little things like creating our own universe in seconds just didn't really call for awkwardness. 

We tapped away at our respective computers for a minute or two more, once again in our own little worlds. And then I felt you shuffle closer to me until our sides were pressed together and I remember every curve and bump of my body perfecting fitting into every curve and bump of your body like we were made for each other. And then I felt the soft pressure of your head on my shoulder. For a second I tensed up because I just wasn't expecting it, and then you tensed up too and I could almost hear you thinking fuck I’ve crossed a line fuck fuck fuck and I could hear your sharp intake of breath and the pounding of your heart and the white hot scald of your skin against mine as your began to blush tomato red. 

I wanted you to know that I was okay with it, that I was more than ok with it, so I just relaxed against your warm body and leant my head on top yours, and it was so perfect. I remember you relaxing too and sighing gently as you snuggled a little closer and my heart pounding a million times a second. And then you went back to scrolling through tumblr with your head still on my shoulder and I went back to editing my video even though I was having a little more trouble editing now that I had you as a distraction (which led to me uploading late and getting my legs waxed, you little shit).

And after a while we got up and made dinner and ate it while we watched anime and continued on like nothing had happened, because we didn't really need to say it or analyse it or overthink it because it just felt so right and it was ours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is my first time ever writing Phan fiction on here so please tell me if its shit or not gracias


	3. Reason 2

2.

I’m not the type of person that put a lot of value on beauty, which of course you know after being my best friend for 7 years. I mean sure, I most likely wouldn't date a massively obese person with back hair and warts, but its not like I would only date someone who's skinny and gorgeous and perfect.

But even though it sounds conceited, the next thing that I love about you is your beauty. I know you're not hot in the traditional sense, in the muscled body, toned abs, golden skin, gleaming smile supermodel way. But you're beautiful. Beautiful like early morning dew sparking in the sun. Beautiful like the silverly surface of the moon. Beautiful like snowy mountain tops that glare like miniature suns. 

You’re beautiful in the harsh angle of your nose, in the sharpness of your jaw, in the height of your cheekbones, so perfect and contrasting and sharp that you look as if you were painted by an artist with a skilled hand. 

You’re beautiful in the ebony darkness of your hair, that although dyed, shimmers like raven feathers. In the way that it ripples in the breeze and falls like a curtain across your face when you look down and stubbornly refuses to stay flat unless you use about 7 bottles of hairspray and a straightening iron.

You’re beautiful if the softness of your lips like round bee bodies, plump and full and intoxicating. In the flush of your cheeks against the pale alabaster of your clear skin, like freshly fallen snow or a blank sheet of paper.

And most of all you’re was beautiful in your eyes, as deep and turquoise as the sea and as wide and baby blue as the sky. The way your pupil is like a blimp in the perfect view of a cloudless azure sky, a small boat in an endless rocking sea. I love the way your eyes aren’t just blue in the traditional sense, the way there is layer upon layer to them. Layer upon layer of yellow and green and blue and turquoise and sapphire and gold and navy, all compiled into two irises of startling electric intensity that could stop and start my heart all at once, that make me want to cry when they tear up, that make me want to smile when they crinkle, that make me want to laugh when they sparkle with mischief and humour. 

You’re beautiful in what one could say is a cold way, a harsh way. But yet the smile lines that line your eyes show hint of your kindness and warmth and contagious humour.

But your also beautiful in your flaws. You’re beautiful in the puffiness of your watering eyes and the red blotchiness of your face after you saw that homeless veteran on the street with 1 leg, because it meant you cared, because it meant you were a loving, caring person. 

You’re beautiful in the slight roundness of your stomach and in how you cant see your ribs like those models you compare yourself to, because it means your not a skinny bag of bones and that you're healthy. 

You’re beautiful in the badness of your eyesight, because you look downright sexy in glasses.

You’re beautiful in the lankiness of your limbs because it means you give the most amazing hugs.

You’re beautiful in every single possible way, in your flaws and your perfections, because they mean that you're human. And I happen to love that human very much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im going to kind of spread this out, I've written more but I'm not going to post it all now. BUT LEMME JUST SAY this is one of my favourite chapters and I really hope you liked it gracias


	4. Reason 3

3.

Over time, as we grow old together, I may forget a few of the smaller details. But I will never, ever, forget our first kiss. So what if I was off my arse drunk and it was in the corner of a crowded party and we didn't really talk about it for a while after, It will stick in my memory until the day I die.

It was the 31st of December 2013, and we were at Chris’s New Years party. It was 5 minutes till midnight and we were completely drunk, slurring our words and laughing maniacally and stumbling around. In short, having the time of our lives. I had been talking to PJ or Louise or someone like that (by talking I mean attempting mature conversation while really just spilling our drinks and laughing and talking about something completely irrelevant) and Toxic started playing and you just ran up to me and grabbed my hand and pulled me onto the dance floor and we were just singing and dancing and sweating and laughing and grabbing onto each other for support because being clumsy and adding alcohol is not a good mixture and just living. 

Then everyone started counting down to Midnight and we were still in each others arms, giggling at some joke that I can’t remember. And as the clock tolled midnight and every couple began to make out, I realised the moment was perfect. Everyone else was busy in someone else's arms, off in their own little worlds. And we were in the corner of the room, on the furthest wall of the dance floor because we didn't feel a need to be part of that big crowd, we only needed each other. We were holding onto each other, staring into each others eyes, your face reflecting the soft glow of the fairy lights and a few strands of your fringe glued to you forehead with sweat and your lips moist. Our faces were only centimetres apart, so close that our breath mingled in a hot cloud of anticipation and passion and the bitter scent of alcohol. 

I remember despite the fact that we were drunk and the music was pounding and I was swaying on the spot that my thoughts went crystal clear. Was this it? The moment I’d been waiting for? After years of loving you, was something going to happen. And I remember being afraid, because even though I wanted it, I wanted you, it was his big scary unknown area. I knew every single thing about you, from your favourite animal (lions) to your darkest fear (death), but I didn't know about this. I didn’t know if you would want me, if things would change.

Normally I would gave been thinking about the consequences. I’m was cynical like that. Normally I would be thinking about how our friendship could be ruined if I kissed you, how you would turn away in disgust and I would loose the only thing that I really loved. But in that moment I wasn't thinking about the consequences or the things that could go wrong or the fact that we were at a crowded party; In fact, I wasn't thinking at all. I was more feeling than thinking, and in that moment all I was feeling was an white hot all-consuming wave of lust.

Our eyes locked, your gaze so intense, our bodies cupped so close, your hand on my bicep, I felt an urge stronger than I had ever felt. I wanted, no, I needed to feel your lips against my own, to taste you, to breathe you, to run my fingers through your hair. It was a pull stronger than that I felt to gravity, like a thousand magnets pushing me to bridge the small gap between our lips, to break the empty space between us that was a cocktail of our hot baited breath. 

I don’t remember who leaned in first, whether it was you or me or we both leaned in together but suddenly we had closed the gap and our lips collided and it was all I could have ever hoped for and more. Spikes of warmth shot from the place that we touched like fireworks and erupted all over my body, sending shivers of pleasure down my spine. As my eyes fluttered closed I saw yours widen in shock at what we were doing before they fluttered closed too. And then the strangest thing happen.

You began kissing me back, and oh, it was like magic, like heaven, like our lips had been moulded for each other. I had kissed others before, but I had never felt anything like this, I had never felt so right, I had never felt so in sync, it had never been so perfect. And to this day, the only thing breaking my record of best kiss is you, every single time we do it again.

Our kisses were delicate, almost careful, each one intimate and loving and slow. The kisses weren't harsh and passionate and rash and hard like in the movies. They were warm and soft, as if we were breathing pieces of themselves into each other, like we were melding together at the mouth. We were no longer Dan and Phil, we were Phan, we were one (wow that was perhaps the most cheesy thing I’ve written so far but I’m not done yet so prepare for it to be topped).

It lasted for only a few seconds before we broke apart and worry flushed into me and set more adrenaline coursing and my heart pounding even faster. Was it wrong, what we’d just done, was it a mistake? And as I looked at you I saw my worry reflected in your gorgeous eyes and I wanted to take it away so pecked you again on the cheek. You blushed the prettiest shade of pink, like freshly bloomed roses, and I felt my love for you multiply a thousand times over.

Suddenly, as if shaken from a dream, we realised where we were. We broke apart and untangled our limbs as if every place we touched suddenly burned white hot and glanced around, checking if anyone had seen. But, thank the lord, no one had, everyone involved in their own little universe, not bothering with ours. Its funny how to us what had just happened was monumental, the most important and prominent things in our world at that moment, but to everyone else it was just something happening unnoticed in the corner of their eyes. There were so many different little universes in that room, everyone in their own.

And then you grabbed my hand and said something like “lets get out of here” and we giggled and stumbled out of the party onto the street, slurring our thanks to Chris as we left and downing one last shot. I remember being so very drunk, but also so present, stumbling and giggling but still knowing was this meant. And it meant everything. And if I was sober I don’t think it would have happened because I would have overthought it or run away or something classically Dan like that. But drunk Dan had no limits and let his love for you scream from the mountaintops. Thank god for Drunk Dan.

I don’t remember how we got home, our apartment was only a few blocks away and we could have staggered there, or maybe we caught a taxi or went on the underground or something but all I remember is that whatever the method of transport, we held hands the whole way there.

When we stumbled into the apartment I remember feeling lust. An uncontrollable lust. I wanted to do more than kiss you. But at that moment you collapsed onto the couch, fast asleep. I felt an urge to shake you awake, to do all that drunk dan was very, very keen for, but as I watch the soft rise and fall of your chest and the way your face relaxed completely, making you look about 4 years younger (so same age as me at the time), I just couldn't bare the thought of breaking you from the relaxed, innocent boy you were then, to disrupt that was unthinkable. So I grabbed you a blanket and lay down on the floor beside you, our fingers laced together a I drifted off.

When I woke up the first thing I felt (besides the drilling, pounding headache of my hangover) was the absence of your fingers against mine. I pulled myself up and looked around and you weren’t there. For a moment I was awash with panic. What if my fears had been correct, what if you were going to leave now, disgusted with me? But then you rounded the corner, saucepan in hand, casually flipping some pancakes.

“How’s that headache?” you said, and I remember taking few moments to reply because the way you looked, the sun filtering lazily through the windows silhouetted by your head so that it shone around you like a halo, left me in awe. In that moment you were a god to me. Not just because you looked like a fucking angel sent down from god bearing pancakes, but because you were still here. 

“Terrible” I groaned as I came back to my senses (though of course I still see you as a god (a sex god more like)). You said something about breakfast and, hangover forgotten, I sprinted to the kitchen where a glorious plate of pancakes awaited me (you know me so well).

We ate for a while in silence, but the silence wasn’t like it usually was. It wasn't comfortable. It was a pregnant, tense silence, filled with anticipation and fear and nervousness. “Phil” I love saying your name, the way it rolls of my tongue, the way one syllable holds so much meaning to me. But that day I dreaded saying it, because it was the word that would, or at least I thought it would, initiate a long, difficult conversation about what the kiss meant.

You looked up at me from you pancakes, knife and fork poised, and I could see in your expression from years of watching every single emotion pass over your features, that you were dreading this conversation too. “Yeah” you replied, and I swallowed hard as I readied myself for what I was about to say. 

“Shouldn’t we talk about what happen-“ I began, before you interrupted me (quite rudely might I add) “No” you said firmly and I stop mid-word, my mouth still hanging open “I don’t want to overthink it..at least for now” you continued, going back to eating your pancakes as if this was just a casual over breakfast conversation.

“But…what does it mean then?” I said slowly, taking longer to think of what to say than I usually would because my brain was still groggy and aching from my hangover (You know that if I was sober then here would be a very witty and final sentence there rather than a confused, open question). “Can it not mean anything yet Dan, its the new year and we have all these meet and greats soon and new videos to make and its just so busy…” You said, and though your face was kept carefully emotionless and casual I could hear the strain in your voice. 

If it weren’t for me picking up on that emotion when you delivered the sentence that shattered my world, I would have thought of you as an emotionless pig. But because I heard the strain I knew that you were really just scared, maybe even more than me. Despite the fact that I didn’t want to wait, I just wanted to love you openly as much as I did inside, I saw your point. Our lives were busy, every second of every day. Replying to emails, making collabs, filming, editing, replying to fans, meet-ups, tours, planning, planning, planning all the time. So, despite me being violently opposed to ever having to postpone loving you, I reached out to grasp your hand reassuringly.

“Sure” I smiled weakly. Watching the way your whole face lit up when you saw I didn’t hate you…it was worth having to wait so long for you to be ready. Now that the immediate threat was past, my pounding headache returned, and with a groan my head fell into my hands as I tried to block out the light that seemed to be glaring at me from every window. 

You said something about sleeping off my hangover, and I readily agreed. But as I slowly trudged out of the kitchen, leaning heavily against the wall for support, I remember glancing back over my shoulder and watching you clean up the plates, and the way you held yourself, the little hop in your step as you put the dishes in the sink…you didn’t look anywhere near as hungover as I felt.

It wasn't until later that I realised that maybe you weren’t as drunk as I had been either.

You may be wondering why I picked this as a reason for loving you. I mean, this didn’t exactly end happily at the start and it took quite a while for you to want to talk about it again. But this is a reason that I love you because it was really the first step towards where we are now (and because you are a fucking amazing kisser).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well this is the longest one so far and i love it i hope you love it


	5. Reason 4

I love you because you make me laugh. Ever since the very beginning, your laugh was contagious, I cant hear it without erupting into giggles myself.

You made me laugh back when I was just your fan, just some emo wannabe teenager who obsessed over you videos and said lolzor and had a fucking website (oh lord I've initiated a cringe attack).

You made me laugh the first time we ever talked on Skype. Even the little things, like that one time you spilt juice all over your bed while we were talking and I heard you swear for the first time (though it was a little tame, more use of cunt and motherfucker would have really made the experience better). You made me laugh just because you were laughing.

You made me laugh ever since the first video we filmed, and in every one since.

Your laughter is the only drug I’ll ever need (besides kissing, and fucking’s pretty good too). Every time I heard it my adrenaline rushes and my heart skips a beat because its so god damn beautiful. Its like angel song, like the peal of a waterfall, like music to my ears. And I can’t live for more than a day without hearing that laugh, I always come back for my next fix.

I love every single form of laughter that comes from your mouth; chuckles, giggles, cackles, snickers, chortles, roars…any form or shape, I’ll take it. 

I love you because you make me laugh even when its 6 in the morning and I’m half asleep and grumpy as all hell.

You make me laugh when I’m crying.

You make me laugh even in my darkest days. 

You make me laugh even as I’m lying face down on the carpet confronted with our unimportance in this universe, because who needs the universe when I have my own little one with you.

And maybe it’s not even the laughter part that makes me love you, it’s the happiness that comes with it. Because you, Phillip Michael Lester, make me oh so happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ones a bit short, but sweet. Please leave comments and tell me if our liking the story because I really appreciate the feedback <3 this is my first ever story on archive of our own, and I really hope you're liking it so far x


	6. Reason 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I guess this chapter could be controversial, but its just my take on 2012...I've got a longer chapter coming soon, sorry these ones have been quite short ive been super busy. Leave a comment on what you think because it means a lot <3

I love you because you forgave me. You forgave me for the toxic, cruel, fucking idiot of a person I was back in 2012. 

I think it was just before I realised I love you, and I was afraid. Not just shit I might fuck this up and have to live with the consequences for a few years but THE WHOLE WORLD HATES ME FOR WHO I AM THEY’RE MAKING SHIT UP IM NOT GAY scared. I had just made my first real best friend (you obviously) and all of our fans were beginning to pick up on my feelings for you, which I hadn’t even come to terms with. I was so scared because being gay was just this big scary blank space for me and I didn’t know how people would take it and I was so sure that you’d hate me and they’d hate me and everyone would hate me so I just pushed everyone away.

I always kind of just shoved it away with a casual “I’m not gay, stop it” before the incident. And then the video "leaked".

One day you noticed that after we made collab videos our subscriber numbers and views would skyrocket. And so you realised, that pretending to be gay would expand our fan audience. And I was in love with you even back then, so the idea you were offering really hurt. But of course back then I didn't know I loved you, I didn't want to love you, so as soon as I felt hurt I quickly agreed because of course I’m not gay for Phil why would I care which was of course just my brain being an ignorant dick.

So you filmed the valentines video, and I was behind the camera the whole time, helping you film. And fuck fuck fuck it hurt so much because I wanted it to be true, but I hadn’t come to terms with it so I was scared and hurt. And you know what they say about wounded animals; they tend to lash out. And oh fuck, did I lash out.

After it was “leaked”, yes our numbers did double, triple, quadruple. But so did the number of people tweeting us about “phan” and people posting “why phan is real videos” and people telling me they knew my sexuality. But if even I didn't know my sexuality, how would some strangers on the internet know? And I just kept getting more and more hurt because my personal life was being breached and because all they “phan is real videos” were mostly clips of when viewers caught me staring at you, and even I, the most in denial of everyone, could see the love in my eyes. And I lashed out.

I should have done it in a more mature way. Maybe posting a video talking about how I felt about the breach of privacy and saying it was a prank and asking them to stop. But nooooooo…2012 Dan had to be the biggest dick and get angry at innocent fans and be almost homophobic…and thats not who I am at all. I just became someone I was not because I was trying so hard to not have to come to terms which who I am and was (if that makes any sense).

And then I lashed out at you. I was constantly grumpy, easily infuriated, downright angry. And then came the blame. I said it was all your fault, for having the idea, for posting the video…for not loving me back. Because really, that was the reason. I was mad because I was so in love with you but I didn't know it and fuck Phil, I’m so sorry. I know you’ve heard that apology a million times over, usually accompanied by a few kisses, but I am so very sorry. Im sorry that I took so long to find myself.

And thats another reason I love you. Because you don’t care what I was, you don’t care what I did. You forgave me. And for that, I’m eternally grateful. Oh, and in love.


	7. Reason 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really short, i know, but im going to post a very long and dramatic and eventful chapter soon like later today :) gracias for reading

6.

This isn’t a very long reason, nor a particularly monumental one. But it just makes me love you a bit more every time I hear it. I always find it weird how I can love you more. I would have thought I’d been filled to the top with love for you, 7 years of loving someone should do that to you. I always thought it would be like breathing in. Eventually you cant breathe in anymore and your lungs burn from trying so you're just filled with air and you cant possibly take any more in and thats what I thought love would be like. I thought that you would get to a point where you've got enough. But I’ve never got enough. There is no end, no stopping point to loving you. Loving you in infinite, like walking down a road with no end, and I’m loving every step as long as your here with me. FUCK OK IM DIGRESSING BACK TO WHY I LOVE YOU.

As I said, this is a small reason, but important nevertheless. I love when you call me love.

I always hated labels, I never felt a need to put one on myself. “Whats your sexuality”, “Are you an emo?”…I just didn't need to answer those questions, I was who I was and I didn’t feel a need to clarify. But then you came along.

I didn’t want to be just a fling to you. I didn't want to just stop at me loving you and you loving me. I wanted to be your boyfriend. I wanted to be your love.

Its very Brittish isn’t it? In America they’re all “babe” and “baby” and over here in Britain we’re more “love” and “darling”. Ohhh I love being called darling too.

I love the way it sounds, like an adoring glance and a seductive purr. I love the way it tastes, like strawberries and champagne and chocolate. I love the way it looks, like red and pink bubbling together. I love the way it smells, like flowers and lust and spice. I love the way it feels, like rose petals or silk. But most of all I love what it means.

It means that I’m yours. It means that I mean something to you. 

I love being called bear too. And boyfriend. And babe. And baby. And darling. And honey. Basically I love any pet name.

But love has a special place in my heart, because that was the first pet name you ever gave me.

And you’ll never guess what….

I love you for it.


	8. Reason 7

7.

It was 1 in the morning, and I couldn’t sleep. I just lay there staring at the ceiling and listening to the tap of your keyboard through the paper-thin wall separating our bedrooms and the steady drumming of the rain against my window. My mind was alive and awake and awash with thoughts, but my body was asleep and tired and heavy and it was the worst feeling in the world. Because I had all these thoughts swirling in my head, from things as simple and abstract as my next video ideas and what would happen if I met Kanye to things as complex and terrifying as our insignificance in the ever expanding universe and the possibility that I would love you until the day I died and you wouldn't return it. I couldn’t even stop and think about one specific thought, my head was just a tangled mess of thought upon thought like an endless sea, thoughts bobbing up and sinking back down before I even had time to think over them.

I had never craved human company so much before. I like to think of myself as self sufficient, not requiring the company of other to feel fulfilled. And thinking back on it, it wasn’t even really just any human company I craved, it was yours.

I wanted to lie next to you and lace my fingers through yours and to talk about everything that was spinning around my head while you pressed gentle kisses to my forehead. I wanted you to kiss me smack on the mouth too shut me up and wrap your arms around me and pull me in tight and just sleep with me. Not in the fucking kind of way, but in the just lying there next to each other, enveloped in each others warmth, existing side by side and drifting off together. I wanted that.

But I knew I couldn't have it. This was a few months after the whole “new years kiss” incident. We hadn’t talked about it, hadn’t hinted at it, acted like everything was normal. Well, not entirely normal. Sure, we were still best friends who did everything together, we had our usual banter and lived our normal lives. But it was like there was a blanket, a fog, and ever-present cloud that hung over our heads and wormed into conversation that put a damper on things. I was still Dan, and you were still Phil, but things didn’t feel as right as they had. And every time something happened that reminded you of the kiss, whether it be Louise sending us the photos of the night or the conversation edged close to the topic of kisses, you would quickly shut down and go quiet. But I was okay with that. You had waited for me back when I hadn’t come to terms with who I was, and now it was my term to return the favour. And though I would have waited for a thousand years for you, I’m not a very patient person.

So that was my dilemma that rainy night. I wanted to hold you, to love you, in that moment more than any other, but you weren’t ready. So I did the next best thing.

I pulled my self wearily out of bed and shrugged on an old sweater and soon found myself standing outside the door to your room, the cuffs of the sweater (you know the one I'm talking about, that old rag that I never wore in videos and would have chucked out years ago if it wasn't for the fact that you said I looked cute in it) pulled over my frigid fingers. The house was cold despite the fact that it was nearly spring time (fucking England) and all I wanted was to climb into bed with you, to share your warmth. But I was…not scared I guess, because I knew you so well, and I wasn't afraid of my best friend. I was more just…aware I guess. I knew that if I opened that door, it wouldn't just be to your room, it would also be to a whole new possibility of what we could be. All I wanted it to mean was that I was lonely and I wanted to talk to you but because of the stupid fact that we’re both human and humans overthink shit, it could end up meaning much more.

But I was cold, and it was 1 in the morning and I didn't have the time or patience to give a shit so I tentatively pushed open the door. And there you were, shirtless, your hair a mess, glasses balanced precariously on your nose, your face illuminated by your screen light. Adorable.

You looked up at me from your laptop, your eyes wide, but soon crinkling in warmth. “Hey” you smiled and I smiled back without question “Hey”. “Whats up?” you said as you closed your laptop and placed it on your bedside table. “I was just…I can’t sleep” I said eventually. For a second you just stared at me, and I could see the cogs turning in your head. You were making up your mind about something, and I didn’t need three guesses to know what.

“You wanna talk?” you said eventually, patting the comforter besides you. Without a second thought I leapt onto the bed and pulled the covers up to my chin, snuggling into the warmth. It was dark, I could only see the outline of your slender body silhouetted against the soft glow filtering in from London’s city lights. You lay down facing me, pulling the covers up to your waist, but leaving your naked torso exposed. I remember wondering at the way the moonlight softly lit up every crevice and plain of soft white skin across your chest. I remember feeling an inexplicable and overpowering urge to reach out and run my fingers over each curve, around each muscle, feeling the slip of silky skin and to trace patterns across the canvas that was your skin. But I didn’t, because I knew you didn’t want that.

We weren’t touching at all. But we were so, so close. I could feel heat rippling off your skin in waves. I could feel the warm puff of your breath across my cheek. Our hands were only centimetres apart, strewn carelessly in front of us and if I had only reached forward I could have entwined our fingers and stared into your layered blue eyes and kissed you. But I didn’t.

“Yeah I do” I said once you were comfortable and lay still, staring back at me. And I didn’t know if it was my imagination or if I could see an intensity I’d only seen once before in them. And the last time I’d seen it was just before we kissed. 

“What about?”

“Everything”

You smiled then, and it lit up your features so beautifully. Your eyes danced with candle flame and you said “Lets then”

And we did. We talked about everything. Things we’d talked about a million times before but never got old or boring, things we’d never thought to share, our deepest, darkest desires, secrets, hopes and I felt closer to you than I’d ever felt, despite the inches of bed sheet between us.

“I’ve had an idea” I said suddenly after we’d fallen into one of our comfortable silences, just gazing into each others moonlit eyes. 

“What?” you smiled.

“We should write a book!” I said excitedly “And maybe we could go on tour too!”

You rolled my eyes but inside I was jumping up and down. Imagine traveling the world with you, writing with you, sharing tour bus, sleeping in motels. Just me and You.

“Dan why would anyone let us write a book” You laughed “You procrastinate too much and I can’t sit still for more than hour or so”

“I’d make myself do it” I said, sitting up as my thoughts spun at the possibility of writing a book with you. I turned you you excitedly “Imagine me and you writing a book Phil, a piece of us left on this earth forever. Videos can be deleted, Youtube could get hacked, The internet could get taken over by AI robots but a book…a book could last forever” I smiled wide at you, trying to convey my excitement.

You smiled wildly back “Aright” you said “For you”. And there we were again, in our own little universe, stars in our eyes and whole galaxies spinning in our hearts.

And then you sat up and kissed me. I didn’t move in shock, my lips frozen as your warm ones pressed against them. You pulled back quickly, muttering some stupid apology that I didn’t want to hear. So I leaned in and kissed you again to shut you up. You began to kiss me back and it was so, so much better than the first time, because we weren’t drunk and hidden in a corner and it didn't have to be short because there was no one watching. It was just me and you and our lips smashed against one another.

You grasped my face with your hands, pulling me closer until our bodies were locked tightly against one another. One of my hands warped around your waist and the other reached up into your hair, tangling strands around each finger. Our kisses became more passionate. They weren't harsh and rough and greedy, but they were slow and adoring and full of promise for more. 

It was like there was a golden light pouring from us, surrounding us in its glow, locking us together. I could taste your minty toothpaste as I opened my mouth to allow your tongue entrance. It flicked cautiously in my mouth and I groaned involuntarily, and I could feel your smile dance across your lips, still pressed against mine. I could smell the sweet mellow scent of your citrus shampoo, and I felt almost intoxicated by the familiarity of it. 

Your lips were soft but firm, warm against my own. Your bare chest was pressed against mine and I could feel the rapid thump of your heart beat. 

For the stupid human flaw of need for oxygen, our lips broke apart, but our limbs stayed tangled together. We panted in almost silence, staring into each others eyes, the only noise being the puff of our breaths and the distant buzz of London traffic. For the first time, I couldn't think of anything to say. Questions kept buzzing in my brain but I couldn't seem to construct a single proper sentence.

“I thought…” I managed to force out in the end “I thought you didn’t want this”

You looked shocked at that “I always wanted this” you said as you stroked the soft skin of my cheek with the rough pad of your thumb, still staring into my eyes.

“Then why did you push me away?” I said, suddenly agitated. I had lusted after you, loved you, for so long and I count have it because I thought you didn't want it but now you said you did all along. And I know it was stupid of me to get mad, I should have been ecstatic, over the moon. But I guess I can just be an idiotic git like that sometimes.

“I’m sorry for that Dan” You said, breaking our eyes contact and slackening the grip on my neck as you looked down in guilt. “I just didn’t think you’d want me back and I didn’t want to get my heart broken I was just an idiot, a cowardly idiot and I-“

“Why would you think I didn’t want this” I said, softening my tone as I used my fingers to lift your chin up so that you would look at me.

“Because…I wasn’t really drunk that night” You admitted finally “At least no where near as much as you were. I thought you’d wake up and regret it and I didn’t want you to know I loved you if you didn’t love me…I don't know”

“I might have been drunk Phil, but my thoughts had never been so clear” Your eyes widened in surprise “I’ve loved you from the start, from the very start. And I always will”

“But what about back in 2012..” You began but I cut you off. “No” I said firmly “I was an idiot back then, and one day we’ll talk about that. But right now, I want to know what this means”

We stared at each other for a while then, you being in no hurry to reply and me in no hurry to hear the response. Because I knew that depending on what you said I would either be the happiest man on earth or crushed into a million pieces.

“I want to…I want to try this” you said.

“This?”

“Us. You, me, together. I want to be your…”

“Boyfriend?” I finished for you, my spirits soaring.

“Something like that” you smiled and I smiled back, and we were just smiling for so long and so wide that I’m surprised I didn’t get stuck like that, grin stretching from ear to ear.

“Me too”

And because you’re Phil, and you’re impulsive and wildly sweet and gorgeous you leapt into my ams and pushed me against the pillow, pressing a kiss to my lips that made my heart flutter. I couldn’t help but be reminded of that time back in the first Phil is not on fire when you pushed me back onto your bed like this and I remembered how that sent my heart fluttering too. But this time it was far better, far, far better, because this time your lips were against mine and your hands were in your hair and mine were resting on the small of my back, my legs spread to allow room for you to lie on top of me as we made out (I tried to think of a more romantic word to use there. As we pashed? Frenched? Sucked each others faces? Long story short I gave up)

And when I say my legs were spread it sounds all erotic and sexual and more than it was. But it was just our bodies fitting perfectly together as we broke apart though kept our foreheads pressed together, smiling wildly into each others eyes.

You kissed me once more, a soft peck on the lips, before you rolled off and fell with a content sigh besides me, staring at the ceiling. We lay there for a while, both of us just kind of milling over what had just fucking happened. And then you shuffled closer and draped your spindly legs over mine, resting your cheek on my shoulder, your arm strewn haphazardly across my chest.

“For gods sake Phil your feet are fucking freezing” I growled but I was smiling wider than I ever had. And then you looked up at me and me down at you and the grin on your face was enough to make every single lonely night, every single second where I questioned loving you, every moment that I broke down and cried because you didn’t love me…worth it. It was worth all that pain and hurt and fear and misery just to watch your face light up as that smile danced across you features. To see you eyes glow like the jewel embers of a fire, to see you cheeks flush rosy red, to see that adoration. 

“Night Dan” you whispered, leaning to press a sot kiss to my cheek before you shut your eyes and nuzzled into my shoulder, your breath slowing as sleep opened his wide arms and surrounded you in his embrace. But I couldn’t get to sleep for a while that night, adrenaline still coursing through my veins as I played what just happened over and over again in my head.

And as I slowly drifted off, the last thing I thought before sleep took me in his arms too was that I was you boyfriend.

I, Daniel James Howell, was Philip Michael Lester’s boyfriend.

And I fell asleep with a smile on my lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY A LONGER CHAPTER!! FINALLY SHIT WENT DOWN Please leave comments giving me any feedback (even if its critical I don't mind) and fee free to share with your phreinds (do you see what I did there, I combined phan with friends yeah no not funny i know) or on tumblr or something idk SORRY RAMBLING but thanks for reading <3


	9. Reason 8

Perhaps the scariest thing I’ve ever done, and the bravest I’ve ever been, was when I finally accepted who I was. I had spent so long, so fucking long, pushing back who I was and what I was and what I wanted and I was trying to lie to myself but deep down I knew what I wanted and it fucking hurt because you just can’t lie to yourself when the thing that your lying about is so beautiful and always there and it just breaks you. 

And it wasn't that I was afraid of what other people would thing. I knew that my family would accept me if they knew I was well…gay (HA like thats any surprise to you, you of all people know of what a raging homosexual I am). I knew that my friends would accept me for who I was because they are the most amazing and acceptant people on the planet. I knew that our fans would accept me because firstly, they loved me no matter what, and secondly, most of them really, really wanted me to be gay. But what I was afraid of was…you.

What if you didn’t love me back? What if you didn’t accept me for who I was, who I am? What if you didn't want to be friends with me anymore? And the scariest thing for me, was what if you didn't want to be near me anymore? Because even just as friends, even if I had to push down my feeling forever, I could never not be near you, I could never not need you. Because to loose you would be to lose a piece of me. A very vital piece of me. Because without you, I wouldn't have a heart.

I tried so fucking hard to be “normal” to “fit-in”. I didn't want to be different, I didn't want to be fucking gay. I didn't want to love someone who didn't love me back.

And the hardest part of it all was that I didn't even know this. Well, I guess I knew, but I didn't really…understand, comprehend, even allow myself to consider it, because no, of course I wasnt in love with my best friend, of course I wasn’t. No. I didn't need that in his life, I didn't have time for confused young love and heartbroken tears. Because that was all I thought could come out of it, heartbreak. And I liked girls. Of course I liked girls. These feelings for you, they couldn't mean anything, it was purely love for you as a friend, I was just getting confused. It was just my brain getting caught up in all of the smutty phan-fiction that I read secretly in the early hours of the morning when everyone was asleep and I could pretend it hadn't happened in the morning, thats what I thought. I mean the only reason I was reading it in the first place was because I appreciated creative writing, not because they often described the very thing I fantasised about, no, not at all.

But the dilemma was yes, I was very much in love with you. Always have and always will be. But I kept making excuse after excuse, lying to myself over and over, ignoring the feelings that I kept buried so close to the surface. 

You were like the the sun, burning and warm and golden, smiling at everyone with sunbeams. And I was like the moon; Cold, silver, over-looked and understated. And what business did something as insignificant and useless as the moon have with something and bold and brilliant as the sun?

And you were too good for me anyway, too innocent, too kind, too…pure. You were the guy that did up his top button and read shakespeare and didn't watch porn. And I was the guy that swore up a storm when he stubbed his toe and got drunk and did stupid things and fantasised about fucking his best friend at 3 in the morning.

 

And you might be wondering how this little anecdote made it into my list. So far all it entails is the many reasons why I tried not to love you. But its on this list because of the moment when I decided to finally let it all go.

Back in 2013, I believe, we were working on a video, one that we never actually uploaded because you lost the fucking footage because of some virus you go on your computer after you downloaded that weird animal game of the internet (“but Daaaannnn the pandas looked so cute in the picture I had to” fucking noob). 

We were setting up the lights, chatting away about god knows what as per usual, so happy and giggling and just kind of loving each other so much even though back then it was platonic (not so much now, huh?). I remember we fell into one of our comfortable silences, and I vividly remember looking up at you as you worked and my heart just stooping. You were fiddling with some bolt or something on the light, your long fingers danced across the lights with the casual expertise of someone who had been at the job for years. You had your little pink tongue poking out of the side of your mouth as you worked in concentration, your eyes focused on the task at hand. And you just looked so. god. damn. BEAUTIFUL. I just wanted to reach out and trace the angles of your face, so perfect illuminated by the light, to grasp your face and pull you to me, to smash my lips against yours. And it hit me, so fast and so sudden that I felt like I was winded, like someone had punched me in the gut. And I guess for different people love comes in different ways, most say that it is a slow and gradual feeling that builds and builds as you fall more and more in love. And I guess that was true for me as as well. But the realisation of my love or you, that didn't dawn on me slowly, it hit me like a train. 

I just stood there, staring at you, my breath caught in my throat as I forgot about everything except this overpowering wave upon wave of love that flooded into my heart and sent me spinning in a whirlpool of confusion and lust and love and acceptance. Because in that moment, despite all the cold and empty nights I spent lying to myself about you, I knew. I just knew. And I was just overwhelmed in my understanding.

And I accepted it. I smiled at it. I held my arms high and wide so that my love for you could come running at me with open arms and I could embrace it as tight as I could until it became me. Because in that moment, all I was was love for you.

After a while you noticed I had stopped working and turned to look at me and I remember how your eyes widened in shock because only later did I realise the intensity with which I must have been staring at you. “Dan…are you alright?” You said tentatively after a while. “Never better” I smiled widely, and I watched your confusion mould into a grin. “Good” you laughed “Now help me with the camera will you?” 

We continued to work, as if nothing had happened, and I just couldn't wipe the smile off my face, because now I knew it. The long awaited realisation. That I loved you. And as we worked you began to hum “Oh Danny boy”, which normally annoys the shit out of me, but that day it just made my smile, if it was possible, even wider.

Because I knew that I couldn’t have chosen a better person to love than my dorky, sweet, annoying yet completely infatuating best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave your thoughts and opinions in the comments it means a lot x feel free to share with people just so i guess it can get more traction? Idk but anyway thanks so much for reading this far


	10. Reason 9

9.

Our first date. Ahhhh, the most horrific yet endearingly perfect date I’d ever been on. And I still remember every second of it. 

This was after the whole confession thing. The morning after. And even though I was woken up by the sun glaring into my eyes at 8 in the morning (earliest I've ever fucking been awake) and my head was pounding from only having about 4 hours sleep, I was gloriously happy. Like in those bullshit Disney movie where they leap out of bed singing with a wide ass grin on their face and birds whizzing around their ears. And it wasn’t just because I could feel the pressure of your arm across my chest and your head on my shoulder and your legs tangled helplessly with my own, or because I could hear the sleepy soft inhales and exhales of your still asleep breath right next to my ear, or that last night’s wide smile was still etched onto my features. It was because what this was, if this was anything…we had finally confirmed it, we had finally put a name to it. Boyfriends. And I liked that better than “lovers” or any of that overly romantic crap. I liked it because I was just yours and you were just mine and we were still friends but also so, so much more. And yeah, I felt like some dumb ditzy disney princess.

As much as I hated to move you from your perfect little slumber, I had fallen asleep in a weird position and my back was killing me. Also, Twitter was calling my name. I pulled myself up as I reached for your laptop (of course I know your password, I didn't need to get my own computer to check twitter), when suddenly you murmured something about chickens in your sleep before sitting bolt upright with a yelp of “nuggets”.

“What was that you dingus” I laughed as you squinted in the sunlight. “There was a…and they, they…all the baby chickens” you stuttered incoherently before you suddenly froze and looked down at our entangled legs. 

“Did that really happen?” You asked breathlessly as you stared at our connected limbs in awe. 

“What happen?” I teased, loving the awe that was etched onto your features. 

“The whole..kissing thing” You said as your brought your eyes up to meet mine, hope glinting in their depths.

“Yup” I smiled.

“And we are…”

“Boyfriends” I finished, barely managing to stop myself from leaping out of bed and screaming at the top of my lungs in ecstasy. Boyfriends, boyfriends, boyfriends. 

“Mmm” You murmured in content, smiling at me so warmly that it was like you were a fire on a cold day and I was basking in the waves of her that rolled from you. It was perfect.

“I just realised something” I said after a few seconds of content silence.

“What?”

“We’ve never been on a date”

“We haven’t have we…well Daniel James Howell, would you care to join me for lunch?”

“A date? Me? Oh Philip, I’m flattered.” I said with my hand clasped to my chest, sarcasm dripping from my every word.

You grinned at me like an idiot before pushing me off the bed with a playful shout of “shut up you killjoy”.

“Oi, that’s not how you treat your boyfriend Phil” I teased as I pulled myself up of the floor (which fucking hurt, you arse).

“Yes” you smiled “Boyfriend”. And then you leaned down of the bed and pressed a soft kiss to my lips and it was exactly like the movies, like each second had been scripted, perfect. I smiled giddily as you pulled away and back up onto the bed. “But…I have to go to go run some errands so I’ll meet you at 1 at a surprise location, I’ll text you the address, ok?”

“Ok” I smiled.

And then I clambered back into your warm bed and fell asleep as you got ready and left (which I later regretted, I mean who doesn't want to see Phil Lester’s semi-naked body?).

When I woke up it was 12 and I scrambled out of your bed, the whole euphoric disney feeling from that morning replaced with nerves. Nerves? I’d never been nervous to see you before. You were my best friend, being with you was as comfortable as slipping on an old glove (which to my dirty mind sounds wildly inappropriate, I apologise). 

I tried to shake the feeling as I got up and followed my usual routine, straightening my hair, pulling on my most unnecessarily zippered and (of course) black outfit. But my I felt it in my stomach the whole time. Unrest, insecurity, anticipation and…fear? Yes, I felt fear. And it was so, so wrong. Fear? I was so in love with you, hopelessly so. So why was I afraid of my best friend, my boyfriend?

I couldn't shake the feeling as I sat in the train on the way to some obscure classy french cafe you texted me the address to, fiddling with the hem of my shirt as I watched the dull grey blur of concrete wall through the train window. Ahhhhh the underground, really did a lot to care my nerves. Not.

And then I was there. Standing outside this weird little hipster cafe, frozen. The cheery building seemed almost sinister, ominous, and my feet were glued to the spot. Just go in Dan, just go in. But my heart was in my stomach and it was being stampeded on by an army of angry butterflies, and I just couldn't figure out why I was so nervous. Was it because of what this meant, our first date, the thing which would solidify our newfound relationship? Maybe I was just afraid because we had always been Dan and Phil, clear and simple, we always knew where we stood with each other. But in that moment…I had never felt so unsure. Not because I was rethinking the whole dating you thing, no, not at all. More because this was all so new and scary and I didn't feel like Dan and you didn't feel like Phil.

I felt my phone vibrate in my hand and looked down to see a text from you. 

Hey Dan, where are you?

Formal. It was far, far to formal. Normally it would have been hurry your arse up howell I'm sitting alone and french people keep giving me odd looks or daaaannnnnnn spammed a million times. But no, it was polite. Punctuated. Capitalised. Formal. And I felt my heart sink even lower.

With a deep breath and a pounding heart I pushed open the cafe door, grimacing as a bell chimed loudly and everyone glanced at me standing uncomfortably in the doorway. As everyones eyes turned back to their meals, I noticed one pair of eyes still glued to mine. Yours. As I stared back into your blue irises I should have felt ease. I should have felt the tension fall from me as they enveloped me in their oceanic depths, as I normally would have. But that day, all they did was startle me with their intensity.

I waved for some unfathomable idiotic reason and you gave me an awkward half smile, nothing like your usual crinkle eyed toothy grin. Hesitantly I walked towards the little table you sat so awkwardly at, and as I reached you you stood and gave me a hug. It was nothing like our usual hugs, warm and soft and intoxicating. It was stiff and awkward and one of my arms was pinned between us. You let go and gave another awkward smile. 

“Hi” you said in a voice that wasn't yours.

“Hey” I said in a voice that wasn't mine. 

We sat down and for a second we didn't say anything, both of us staring out the window as we tried to think of something to say. And it was so, so foreign, because normally words just came as easily as breathing to us, normally we would have already been in deep conversation, eagerly enlightening each other on everything that we had done in the few hours we’d been apart. But that day, I couldn't fathom a single thing to say.

“Nice place, huh?” you said suddenly.

“Uh, yeah” I stuttered “Very…french”

You gave a small chuckle that sounded nothing like your normal laughter. It sounded fake.

Awkward silence fell.

“How was the errands?” I said after a while.

“Oh, fine, as errands go. I just had to check up on those pants I ordered that hadn't arrived even though they were meant to come months ago and to pick up some props and… yeah”

“Oh, right”

More awkward silence.

“What did you get up to?” you added eventually.

“I slept”

“Sounds like the Dan I know” you said in a weak attempt at humour.

I grinned weakly. With the way we were talking, it was almost like you didn't know me. And that scared me.

Silence.

“Hey boys” said a pretty girl (don’t worry you're far prettier) wearing an apron who seemed to magically appear beside our table “Are you ready to order?”

“Yes” we both said in hurried unison, pouncing on anything to fill the awkward silences that we seemingly couldn't escape.

“I’ll take the waffles, with extra cream please” You said.

“Ill have the same thanks” I added.

The pretty waitress seemed a little baffled that two grown men would order waffles at 1 in the afternoon on a Tuesday, but smiled as she turned with a smile of “It’ll be ready soon”.

“Okay, thank you” I called after at her, already missing her presence as a third party almost breaking the awkwardosity (is that a word) between us.

“So, tell me more about that book idea you had last night” you said after a while.

“And tour maybe” I added, brightening as I found a subject we could have a steady conversation on.

And we did, but it was just like your text. Too formal. And while normally we would be in our own little world, forgetting everything else around us as we smiled into each others eyes, it was like everything around us was in high definition. I noticed every little distraction, a baby crying, a cup shattering as a distracted hand nudged it off the table, snippets of conversations, even the glint of a fork catching the light on the table next to us. We were talking, but we also weren’t. Words fell out of our mouths, and while we heard what the other was saying, and I guess we were physically talking. But it wasn't the same, it wasn't as eager and light and golden as our usual conversations. It was cautious and slow and grey. 

“2 waffles, extra cream” said the waitress as she came back, sliding the steaming plates of sugary goodness onto the table “Enjoy”

“Looks good” you said.

“Mmm” I agreed.

And yet another silence fell as we began to eat.

I had never felt so…wrong. This wasn't us. This wasn't Dan and Phil. This was like aliens had taken over our brains and were making every move we made, every word we said, every second, so…uncomfortable.

And I couldn't take it. This wasn't us. This wasn't you. And I missed my Phil.

I put down my fork even though I wasn't done and after a while you looked up.

“What’s wrong?” You said cautiously, knowing that I would never intentionally stop eating something so delicious.

“This. Everything” I said exasperatedly “Why is it like this, why is it so…”

“Awkward” you finished, putting down your cutlery too. 

“Yeah”

“I don’t know Dan…look if your regretting this whole thing, we could always just go back to being friends, I mean if thats what you wan-“

“NO” I cut you off loudly, all awkwardness forgotten as I reached forward to clasp your hands in mine “I would never, ever want to end this”

“But this isn't us Dan” You sighed

“I know…but-“

“But what”

“Maybe we just have to stop seeing this as a date, I guess”

“What do you mean”

“Phil, we’ve done this, we’ve hung out, a million times, why should this time be any different? Just because we’re dating now doesn't mean we have to start going to overpriced hipster cafes and have polite small talk. I’m Dan and you're Phil and we’re best friends and just because we have the added bonus of kissing now doesn't mean we have to act like new people”

You sat still for a few pregnant seconds, milling over what I’d just said.

“Dan?”

“Yeah” I replied uneasily, getting a little scared by the sincerity of your voice.

“I love you”

At that I beamed as brightly as a million suns, and you grinned back as you laced your fingers with mine across the table. And it wasn't like we were moving to fast or anything like that, because even though we’d only been dating for only a day, I’d loved you from the start. Confessing it was almost overdue.

“I love you too, Philip Micael Lester”

And there we were again. Dan and Phil in our own little universe, utterly and completely in love.

“Lets ditch this popsicle stand and go to the true cafe of kings; Starbucks” You grinned as you let my hands go to place the money that we owed on the table. Then you stood, offering out your hand, as you smiled down at me like a big, friendly giant (BFG).

I grinned as I took it and stood, lacing our fingers together. 

“Firstly, did you really just say ‘lets ditch this popsicle stand’? I swear only my grandma says that you dingus. Secondly, Yes please. Thirdly, you didn't have to pay for me”

“What else are boyfriends for?” you said as we wandered out of the store and into the busy London street.

“As much as I enjoy holding your hand, what if someone sees, Phil?” I said reluctantly as I let go.

“Well the Phandom would explode” You laughed, its familiarity after that cold, alien-like laugh from before angel song to my ears “But you’re right. I want to keep this secret to ourselves for now. I don’t want to have to share this with anybody but you”

“I feel the same way” I smiled as we grinned at each other.

We began walking slowly towards the Starbucks down the street, our usual easy banter returning as words once again came as surely and easily as breathing.

And just before we walked in, you pulled me into an alley and smashed your lips to mine. I wrapped my arms around your neck as you pushed me against the wall and even though it was mouldy and damp and was well, an alley wall, I didn't care, because your arms were around my waist as your lips were to mine and you were just there. The real Phil. And things were right again.

And after that, the date was just perfect. We got hot drinks and had whipped cream fights and laughed and chatted and smiled and held hands under the table as you swirled soft, invisible patterns on my skin with the rough pad of your thumb. And as the store started to clear out as the hours flew by I leant forward and pressed a soft kiss to your lips. You pulled back, glancing around worriedly. 

“Sorry” I mumbled “Its just you looked so perfect and I just…had to”

“Don’t worry about it” you smiled warmly and gave my hand a squeeze under the table.

And even though I couldn't kiss you and we had to hide our entwined fingers and we could snuggle up onto the couches like the other happy couples littering the store… it was the perfect date.

And many other perfect dates ensued. And sure, there were moments where we were unsure of ourselves, afraid of our newfound relationship. But each time it would soon disappear as we fell more and more in love, if that was even possible. 

And my love for you is still ever-growing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have anxiety, so this chapter was particularly difficult to write because I could almost feel Dan's fear leeching into me if that makes sense and I started to feel really nervous but I really like how it turned out and I hope you like it x Feedback (even critical) and Kudos are much appreciated gracias


	11. Reason 10

Drunk Dan has always been the only Dan that I felt could really be brave. Our first kiss is an excellent example of this. But I found myself becoming more and more comfortable once I realised that this was real (oh-fuck-Phil-Lester-is-my-boyfriend real). Sometimes I would look at you and think: wow. This man is so beautiful, and I want him so badly. Except, I never really knew how to make the first move. We’d kissed plenty of times, and we’d gone on plenty of dates. But I was still nervous. I didn’t want to do anything you weren’t comfortable with, first and foremost. But there was an underlying fear that I wasn’t good enough to sleep with you. That maybe I would do something wrong, or you would simply find something you didn’t like about me.

Luckily, Slightly-Drunk-and-Very-Horny Dan would forget all about these fears. I remember that night like it happened just yesterday. Cliché, but true. We had stumbled home from someone’s party, both drunk and giggling and clinging onto each other like high-schoolers.

We barely reached the lounge when I spun you around and crashed my lips into your’s. You were surprised, but you sank into the kiss quickly. Kissing like that is second nature to us, and I felt how at home we both were in each others arms — drunk or not. It was slow, and passionate, and I parted your lips as I ran my hands through your hair and deepened the kiss. Your hands ventured to the hem of my shirt, and I felt cold fingers slip underneath it and graze over my lower back. I sighed, pushing our bodies closer together. But somehow, I felt like we weren’t close enough. I tugged at my top and pulled it over my head, breaking the kiss momentarily. You glanced at me, asking silently if I was sure. I looked back at you and I nodded, and your shirt was on the ground and my hands were in your hair and out lips were interlocked again. Then we were walking backward, and you pushed me down onto the couch.

My hands found loose threads on the sofa as I felt your lips moving down my neck and tracing my collarbone, drawing lines on my stomach, stopping just above the waistband of my boxers. It felt so right, being so close that I could feel the heat of your body on mine, and feel your breath against my bare skin. And suddenly, I wasn’t afraid anymore. I wanted you, and there was no part of myself I wanted to hide from you. Our mouths found each other once again, our limbs intertwined. And I want these clothes off, I remember whispering breathlessly. And so they were. I remember how soft and gentle let so loving and passionate it all was.

That’s what I loved most of all about making love to you.

I could feel how desperate you were for me, but you were so gentle, as if I was about to break apart.

And it wasn't fucking. It wasn't having sex. It wasn't sleeping with you. It was making love to you. Because it wasn't rough or harsh or passionate in the sense that it wasn't hard edges and bruises and claw marks down my back. It wasn’t like that. I was making love to you, because although it felt absolutely amazing, and was of course sexual, it was plenty of things, but first and foremost, it was love. 

Love for your body, love for the way me moved in perfect sync, love for your fingers through my hair and in other places too…and love for you.

We made love, and we were love, and love was us.

Oh and yes, the Phandom is right.

I definitely bottom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhhhh so my ex friend (shes a cunt now lmao) helped me write parts of this because I wasn't really comfortable with smut and I know its pretty mild but I wanted this part to be more about the loving side of sex rather than the fucking side I guess...well I hope you like it...ALSO THE ROAST MYSELF CHALLENGE WTF EVEN IS UR SEXUALITY CAN WE JUST OML


	12. Reason 11

We kind of always wanted to keep it to ourselves. Because sometimes our love felt like a tangible thing, that we could hold and keep. And I wanted to keep it just for us. It just seemed…purer that way, like our secret was this light that made us brighter. And it did, of course, but that’s not the point. Though our love was the most beautiful thing I had ever had the privilege to call mine, we couldn’t keep it to ourselves forever, that seemed almost selfish, keeping something so beautiful all to ourself. Not that that was really stopping me, I was prepared to have this love be ours and only ours to the day we died in each others arms, Notebook style (though hopefully one of us wouldn't have Alzheimers). 

But you, the ever caring, honest, selfless, beautiful fucker that you are had to decide that it wasn't fair to keep something like this from our friends, especially our friends, but also our subscribers (thats a later story). 

I still remember the day we came out, I guess, to them. It was around halfway through 2015, after we’d been dating for about a year. It was a Saturday morning brunch or some dumb shit like that that we were politely invited to by Louise, even though she knew perfectly well that there was no way on the planet that we would be up in time for brunch. Which was why she was so surprised when we said that we’d be there. I remember the argument from the night before that almost word for word.

“Look Dan, its perfect” you said hugging me from behind as I stared furiously out the window after Louise texted us the invite and you suggested we come out to them there.

“Everyone will be there, all our friends. Louise, Chris, Peej, Hazel, Caspar, Tyler…I think Cat might be over here too, plus all the others. Its just seems right. We owe it to them Dan”

“Fucking hell Phil I know that” I said, pushing you away as I struggled out of your embrace (for some idiotic reason) “Its just…what if everything changes, what if they hate us?”

“Who cares”

“ME, Phil”

“No, no, that came our wrong” you quickly corrected yourself as you clasped my hands in yours “I just mean…We don’t need them-“

“-Phil”

“well I mean we do, they're our friends. It’s just, if they don’t accept this, us, for who we are…what kind of friends are they? If they don't accept us, we don't need them. Because all I need is you, and if that means losing them, so be it”

I stopped trying to pull away at that, collapsing into your embrace as your long strong arms encircled me and I dissolved into sobs. “I love you Phil”

“I love you too Dan” you replied, pressing a cool kiss to my forehead (more like my fringe). 

The rest of that night was spent in your arms, you comforting me, and I you, because although you were the more collected one of us that night, you were worried too. And thinking back on it, I don't know why I was so worried in the first place, our friends are the most supportive people on the planet. I guess I was just afraid that we would finally have to let reality seep into the little bubble of happiness that our love had created around us, that we would finally have to share our love. And we didn’t know if they’d really want any part in it.

The next morning you shook me awake at what seemed like the crack of dawn. 

“Dan, dan, get up, we’re going to be late, my alarm didn't go off” you said urgently as you got up off the couch where I had fallen asleep in your arms.

“Ugh” I moaned, sitting up and rubbing my eyes “What time is it?”

“9”’

“Aw come on Phil, brunch starts at 11, cant we just sleep in a liiiiittle longer?”

“No Dan, you know perfectly well that we take forever to get ready, plus we've gotta take the train over there, plus one of us is going to have a nervous break-down at some point so we need extra time for that”

“Very true” I laughed, unrest settling in my gut as I remembered the task ahead. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

An hour later we stood outside the cafe, just as nervous to go in as I had been to go into that other cafe on our first date. But this time was different, because I had you by my side and my pinkie was linked with yours, hidden under the folds of our coat sleeves, and I wasn't alone. We stood there for a few seconds, the wind rippling through our clothes, just kind of…waiting. For something, anything, to wake us up from our stupor and make us step through those doors.

Suddenly thunder crackled overhead. You looked at me with a sweet half-smile. “I think its about to rain, we should head inside”

“Ok” I said in a kind of breathless whisper.

We unlinked our pinkies and stepped inside. 

The place had a warm, cosy vibe, and smelt of scented candles just like the ones we had at home. And that calmed me for some reason. With renewed purpose my eyes scoured the place until I saw Louise and the others perched on sofas in the corner.

She saw me at the same time and waved encouragingly.

“Hey guys” she said happily as we joined her and the others at the couches.

“Hey” I smiled.

“Hazel was just telling us about this new film she's working on”

“Oh really?” I said as I sat down on the last free sofa, slumping down into my usual back crippling sofa crease position “Do tell”

Hazel laughed and continued her story and you sank down next to me, tucking your legs under you and once again linking our pinkies under our coats so that the others couldn't see. Not that there was much point for secrecy anymore, because soon, soon they would know.

I soon forgot about telling them as we fell into our usual friendly banter, cosy, sipping hot drinks, warm as rain fell and dripped lethargically down window panes. Very aesthetically pleasing I must say.

At one point, there was a silence. Not an awkward one, just a content one as we all sat in each others warm company listening to the pitter patter of soft rain on the tin roof and just enjoyed each other, in a sense. You looked at me, and though you didn't say a thing, but I knew what you wanted to do. So I gave a curt nod and turned back to our friends.

I cleared my throat awkwardly.

“Um, guys, me and Phil have something we, uh, need to tell you”

“Please don't let it be that your moving to America or something” said Caspar.

“Please be moving to America” chorused Tyler and Cat.

“No, not quite” you laughed, and I felt my nervousness disappear as I watched your eyes crinkle and your cheeks widen.

“What is it then?” asked Louise.

“Well, we’ve been wanting to tell you this…for a while, I guess. Me and Phil, we’re uh, we’re…”

“Dating” you finished.

Silence fell.

My heart pounded a million times a second as I stared back at their shocked faces.

And then suddenly Louise jumped up with an ear splitting cry of “I KNEW IT CHUMMY! YOU OWE ME 20 POUNDS BITCH”

And suddenly it was like a dam had broken and all this laughter and congratulations and smiles and shouts of “I knew it!” burst out and flowed around us, whirling us in its current but keeping our heads afloat, supporting us.  And there was no negativity, none at all. It was just question upon question of “So when did you get together?” and “How long?” and a high-five from Tyler for quote-unquote “joining the gay gang”. And after a while we went back to talking about other things, just like normal, but this time, I held your hand in the open and no one cared. And we just couldn't wipe the smiles off of our faces.

Later, after we’d waved goodbye and were walking back down the street, arms linked even though anyone could see us, you stopped and smiled at me. “We did it Dan” you laughed in awe.

Suddenly the heavens opened and rain poured down like bullets, splattering us with thick droplets. Soon the air was thick with it, and all I could see was your beaming golden face centimetres from mine.

“Yes we did” I smiled back as I wrapped one arm around your waist and cupped the other to your cheek, pulling your face to mine and smashing our lips together. You wrapped your arms around my waist and kissed me back, so passionately and softly and firmly all at once. 

And we didn't care that we were in the middle of the street, because in that moment, we were just two anonymous blurry figures in the rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhh oh my lord so close to a 100 kudos which is the most amazing thing ever bc this is my first story on here and no one has ever really appreciated my work before so this is ahhhhh thank u all so much I hope you like this chapter x
> 
> also if u remember last chapter in the mentioned the ex-friend that helped me write smut that was a cunt? Well it was her last day at my school and I went up and offered to sign her shirt for old times sake bc everyone was and as I signed it she was like "I missed you" and I wrote an inside joke that we had from when we were really close and then I was like I missed you too and she was like im so sorry for everything we argued over something so stupid and started crying and we hugged forever and it was so nice being friends with her bc I didnt realise how much I missed her and how much I had missed talking to her until then and I realised how petty the whole thing was and how much I missed her friendship and I guess the lesson here is that I need to get over myself more often bc it had wondrous repercussions


End file.
